An Imp's Secret
by Azure Ki
Summary: Another dread of boredom equals A 'Cruelty to Imps Policy' and The reason why no keeper leaves salmanders in the casino unattended. Enjoy R&R!
1. Invading One's Privacy Is Hazardous To A...

I don't own Dungeon Keeper or 2 so plz don't sue. Andante, Caucus, Jael, Slake, and the other names are borrowed from the game, but Sasha is mine. 

_I am Sasha, the keeper known the Mistress of the Crimson Twilight. Respected by those who served me, I have destroyed those that have opposed me . . . but if you are one unfortunate sort comes in my grasp, I'll give you reasons to join my task or you will die a slow and painful death. Some thing that I, along with the mistress, am a true adept . . .I afraid this fiction is not about me though. . .That wretched WhiteTigerEye did this out of pure boredom. I hope she creates a story on me soon. . .but until then, read this and let the stupidity become your doom. _

_** An Imp's Secret**_

*****In the Treasury*****

Andante: Poor Jael, we shouldn't have left him in that green's territory.

Caucus: He should have run when they sent that black knight after us.

_ *Andante trips and falls on his back. Caucus laughes.*_

Andante: Damn newcomers!. . .don't they know how to put gold in the ri—hey what's this?

_*Andante pulls the tile out from the floor and takes out a clay box.* _

Caucus: It's has Jael's name on it. . . .Let's take a look. 

Andante: but Caucus-- 

Causus: it not like Jael's ghost is going haunt us for life, come on. 

Andante: Oh well, let's hope Sasha doesn't see us slacking off. She doesn't do it often, but her slaps hurt. 

*_Andante opens the box. Pulls out a golden chalice.* _

Causus: Why would he keeping this? We have no use for money.

Andante: I remember that!!! You see . . .

*~*_In the temple_*~*

Jael: It's too quiet . . .

Andante: Everyone's off to battle. What did you expect?

_*Jael stretches his arms out and leans on the wall. A torch tips over.* _

Andante: Uh oh.

Jael: Damn it! Now I really am going to be on the long end of Slake's sword now.

_*A secret door of the temple opens. Moans of a dark angel and a mistress that were on a bed of red satin. (Do I really have to describe this?!* _

Andante: Oooo. . .a free show. 

_*The angel's head popped out of the sheet with a murderous glint in his eyes*_

Jael: Slake?

_*Slake threw some gold at them_. *

Slake: Here. . . you didn't see a thing, understand or---

*_Andante put the torch back in place and door closes._* 

Andante: *_pointing at the gold_. * Now, what are we going to do with this?

Jael: What do you think? Act like noting happened. I am not going to be knocked into the Underworld by Slake by _accident_.

* * *

Andante: I thought he got rid of it. Phleg was much nicer than his brother.

Caucus: what this? *_Pulls outs a brown parchment* _

Andante: Oh, this happened before you were born, created or whatever.

Caucus: You don't know!. . .Why don't you ask Sasha?

Andante: and while we're at it, why don't we tell her that we're escaping our wall reinforcing duties, too—were you made yesterday?

Caucus: actually 2 darknesses ago. (two weeks)

Andante: Whatever . . .You see. . .

*~*around the Dungeon Heart*~*

Sasha: **_I never thought I would say this, Andante, but it nice to have a little peace and quiet. *_**_Sound of imps laughing* **What is that? **_

****Andante: It sound like laughing. . .

Sasha: **_By Crimson Twilight, Andante! I know that. Go see what's going on._**

_ *Andante teleports to the source of the laughter. In a graveyard on the outskirts of dungeon territory, the group of imps gathered around a tiny light. The laughter grows louder* _

Andante: Hey guys, what so funny?

Imp #1: We decided to write down every creature we have seen around here, then each of us wrote one word that describes them.

Andante: *_ snatching the parchment_* Let me see. . .Bile Demon: perverts . . . I believe that. Mistress: freaks, sadists. So true. . . Giants: Retards, walnut-heads *chuckle*

Jael: Salamanders---

Sasha: **_Before you say anything, write pimps under them _**

****Imp #2: Pimps, master?

Sasha: **_You never seen them in heat, and I don't mean the lava_**.

Jael: One guy has three ladies in one lava pool fu---

Sasha: **_Jael. _**

****Jael: Sorry.

****Sasha: **_ Let's see---are you imps blind!? Ditz is only word that describes fairies._**

Andante: Totally

Imp #3: Ditsy doesn't explain the electric burn my butt.

Jael: He mooned one of them near the lake.

*_laughter from everyone even from Sasha* _

Sasha: *chuckes* **_Well, that's his ass. . . _**

****Andante: *_in singing tone*_ and he fry it if he wants to (Think of It's My Party and I Cry If I Want To)

Imp #1: fry if he wants to.

Imp#2: fry if he wants to.

Jael: it would be fried too if she electrocute you.

Andante: _*starts the verse* _Derge met Ditsy while mining near the lake

then****try to be brave_

Derge: Come on guys, cut it out.

Sasha:***chuckles***

Jael: _*finishes* _and he was thanked with a shock.

The scream was all over the cave.

Derge: You are a dead snitch, Jael.

_*Jael runs away with Derge after him._ _Everyone continues the song* _

* * *

Caucus: *laughing*

Andante: Don't mention it around Derge. He's still sore about that.

Caucus: All right . . .Ok-ay now why hell would he keep this . . .*_holds out the burned chicken feather* _

Andante: That is something you will have to see to believe . . .

*~*_In the hatchery_*~*

*_The creatures are gathered around in circle while a goblin is tied to the wall with a chicken tied to his helmet_*

Jael: Hey Phleg! What going on?

Phleg: I don't know. I just got here. _*A salamander hands him a small vellum* _What's this? _*reads*_ **The goblin lost a huge bet yesterday and now my friends are showing their version of William's Tell **

Andante: _*to the salamander* _Slash, what was the bet all about?

_*Slash responded with an array of hisses* _

He says that it had something to do with a Maiden and a guard.

Jael: How they going to it. They can't exactly handled a bow not even a crossb—Oh, it sucks to be him.

Phleg: Those heroes always reveled in cooked food. . .I wonder how cooked chicken tastes like.

Slash: _*in hisses*_ (_or roasted goblin_)

Jael and Andante: Slash!!

Slash: (can't helped what I have been born with)

*_Three salamanders take careful aim while the hot saliva in their throats. The goblin was sweating nervously and--_-

* * *

Caucus: and what happened?

Andante: She's coming.

Caucus: Who?

Andante: SASHA! YOU BUBBLE BRAIN! QUICK! GET BACK TO REFORCEING THE WALLS OF THE TREASURY!

* * *

Love it? Hate it? I don't care. Boredom doesn't give a damn about anyone's opinions. Enough reviews may sway me to continue this realm of insanity. Until then, see ya later! ^_^


	2. Home Videos? Kewlies!

Sasha: WHAT THE F! Another chapter of this stupidity! WHITETIGEREYE!

Twilight Tiger: Shut up, Sasha. . .. or I'll write you in a tutu.

Sasha: *growls* Fine

Twilight Tiger: Good. . .and it's Twilight Tiger, btw.

Sasha: Whatever

Twilight Tiger: Heh. By the way, kiddies, the things ~ ~ describes what images at that moment.           

**An Imp's Secret ~ Part 2: Home videos? Kewlies!**

_Elf!_

_What's up man. . . You must be pissed to say that._

_Elf!_

_If you going to say to the word, just say it will ya!_

_No, Elf._

_Sorry, I'm not interested!_

_No, behind you. Elf!_

_Oh shit_

_*Sound of screaming and arrows flying *_

                                                                                    *~*~*~*~*~*

Andante: Sorry about that, man. Tried to warn you.

Cascus: _*pulls the arrow out of his—ah, well. . .*_ Sorry! I got some elf's arrow stuck up my ass and all you got to say for it is that "You're sorry"

Andante: Are we alone?

Cascus: I think so . . . Payday is not until a few more hours.

Andante: Then, what are you waiting for. . . 

Cascus:* uncovers the box and opens it.* What's this thingy?

*Cascus fiddled with crystal-like ball until it slips out of his hands*

Andante: * snatches the orb away before it hits the ground* Get me that you clumsy dimwit! It's memory ball.

Cascus: A memory what?

Andante: A memory ball! You see them stock on the library shelf. . .Don't you go to library sometimes?

Cascus:*shrugs*

Andante**: ***Slaps his hand on his head and thinks: _ I need ask Sasha if she missing her idiot! * _Warlocks used them to record experiments. 

Cascus: What experiments?

*The orb begins to grow*

Andante: I don't know . . . but I think we are about to find out.

Cascus: Huh?

Andante: Just watch my amigo. Just watch.

_**Blurred image of the library***_

Warlock: A few of more adjustments and. . . ~_The image sharpens_~ There, perfect. How are you faring, my little magical friend? 

_~Moves to an imp tied to a chair~****_

Jael: I'm great . . .but you are sure you want to do this? Sasha had me passing this abuse policy I think you should read.

Warlock: What policy? 

Jael: It's in my bag.

Warlock: arrrghh. Alright. _*reads*_

Attention: To all creatures . . .

If, you think I haven't noticed that some my imps have turned up missing, than you are dreadfully mistaken. If I find the person who's been kidnapping my workers during gold rush hour, expect a--

Warlock**:***crumbles the paper and throws it away*Blah! You think she going to back-up that threat, than you're—

**Sasha: smarter than I thought.**

Warlock: *nervously* Oh, hello . . . my liege. 

_~Smoke clouds up the image. It cleared with Jael freed and his face in front of the orb~_

Jael: I wonder what should I do with this.

**Sasha: Here an idea. . .Why that you record what happened to your friendly host?**

Jael: Huh?

**Sasha: The Hatchery. . .there is quite a show going on there.        **

_~Hatchery with various creatures in a circle. A bile demon chasing a chicken around the circle *Andante* ~_

Andante: Damn! What that chicken been eatin' Rocket fuel?!

Jael: Uhh. . .I don't think that one was actually a chicken until a few minutes ago.

Andante: What? Ohh. . .so that why she keeps that spell around.

Human Warlock: I told him that today would not be a good time to playing 'doctor'.

'Chickened' Warlock: (If he says that 'I told you. . .')

~A bile demon make jump for  it, but misses. He falls flat on his face—A moment later a loud toot was heard for his rear O.o~

Phleg: Sweet Jesus!

Warlock (human): That isn't something a dark angel should say.

Phleg: What the hell do you know!

Warlock (human): Much better.

Phleg: *growls and runs*

_~Everyone is running from the set-off death gas canister~ _

_***black out***_

***At the dungeon's heart, Sasha's mana compressed into a human-form in front of a spectators of imps***

_~Sasha's human form in front of the heart~_

Sasha: It's good to be—Jael! Turn that damn thing off!

Jael: Yes, mistress. *Instead set its on the ground* ~showing the floor and everyone's feet~ 

Sasha: Why so nervous? Or may it because you all forgot to put the secret door at the casino's breach.

Imps: Uh oh.

Andante: What the big deal—_Sasha turn to him fiercely_ *laughs nervously* 

Sasha: *frowns* It's too late, now.

Andante: Why?

Jael: *picks up the camera and runs out*_ ~images of rushing though the hallways and stops at the casino~_ "WTF!"

_~Salamanders occupied the areas around the beer kegs with wood flasks in their claws. Some of the tables were burned—Don't ask why. One of them is standing on the Craps table leading a song—Yes, they were singing~_

**(Since salamander can't speak proper English, I'm turning on the offical 'Understanding Salmander for Dummies' Translator—Hey! I paid good money for it, 50 cents—Ah Damnit!)1 **

(Solo)               Came through with the top down, blazin'

                        Borrowed the mistress's whip, but not killin'

(All together)    My scaly baby walked up to me

                        Hottest thing you ever wanna see 

                        Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

(Solo)               Shorty lookin' kinda right 

                        Satisfy my appetite, mmm 

                        Baby you know my steelo

                        Gotta get wit you on the *hiss*-Low

                        I came out the door flamin'  (_Damn humans!)_

(All together)    Handlin' the hissly business

                              Nothin' personal baby

                        Ain't tryin' to be shady

                           That's just the way it goes__

~The song continues and the salamander falls off the table.  Turns Andante and a mass of other creatures that were standing there. They were O.o~

Andante: What the f— 

Jael: *smiles* They're drunk.

***black out***

Caucus: *laughing manically*

Andante: Hey! Here's comes another.

~Sasha's human form. Her eyes flaming red~

Andante: Huh?

Sasha: **If your mana-wasting carcass don't get back to work!**

Andante: GONE! *Teleports out*

Caucus: What are you running—

Andante: *returns and snatches Caucus*  You're a _death_ wish waiting to happen, you know that! *Teleports*

  


* * *

1 The song was a modified version from Dave Hollister's "Came In The Door, Pimpin', so I'm not taking any credit for it.  

I will explain about Sasha human form in my serious fic when I get around it finishing it. See ya!


End file.
